Deceit Culture 6

Dear Uriel:

I'm a single mom who picked up a second job and met a man I felt interested in. However, I didn't know if he had a girlfriend, didn't want to pursue a relationship at work, and mostly was nervous. So I called him at work and asked him out for coffee. BIG MISTAKE!

Not only did he shoot me down saying he has a girlfriend, but he told my supervisor, co-workers, etc. and it was the joke of the night. I'm humiliated. Frankly, I'm good-looking and sexy, and although he's cute, he's also prematurely balding. I feel I deserve the right to confront him but I don't want to be made a fool of again. What kind of man does that to a woman for simply showing interest? He got pure pleasure out of exploiting it. How should I handle the situation?

—Offended

I was going to comment on the day's Big Issues — Bush ordering unconstitutional spying on Americans by the N.S.A.; the New York Times keeping mum about the story for a year; the wonder of the Times's rationale — officials assured it there was a consensus among government lawyers that it was legal! (Why is the Times so credulous? And why is it so tame when it discovers it's been lied to again? This is a repeat of WMD. And is it impossible to consult independent legal experts, who generally seem to feel the spying violates the Constitution? And could someone explain why, in the U.S., the president and other government officials aren't constrained by the law? (Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito was explicit about this as a government lawyer in 1984, writing that the attorney general should be immune from lawsuits for ordering wiretaps of Americans in the interests of national security, even if a 1972 Supreme Court ruling deemed the wiretaps to be in violation of the Fourth Amendment, which prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures.) While today's illegal spying continues, the government has now opened a criminal investigation to pursue the so-far anonymous whistleblower who revealed it to the press. This is easier to do now that the Times, with its loud defense of Judith Miller, has sown confusion over the whole idea of whistleblowing, so the public associates it with false propaganda to promote government agendas.)

But who has the damn time for all-a-that? I decided to put the Big Thought venting on hold and try to make a difference for one person at least — Offended.

OK. Offended's letter wasn't actually addressed to me. But the person she did write to, Ellie, provides the wrong response:

Hold your head high, but pull up your sense of humour, too! This guy has actually flattered you by showing how excited he is to have been noticed by a hottie: he's bragging! Do NOT confront him negatively, but when anyone mentions the incident or if he makes a comment, just laugh and say something light and funny, like, "I guess he doesn't get hit on very often. Boy, was I mistaken in thinking he was cool!"

A gentle touch of self-deprecating humour is always charming enough to turn others' empathy around.

["Don't get dissed, get even with him — gently," The Toronto Star, Jan. 2, 2006.]

Offended, don't listen to her! Take my advice:

Dear Offended,

"It was the joke of the night"?? What kind of morons do you work with? Let's look at the facts. You were interested in him. He wasn't interested in you. That's it. Where is the humor here?

But I would like to probe your remark, "Frankly, I'm good-looking and sexy, and although he's cute, he's also prematurely balding. I feel I deserve the right to confront him...."

First, Offended, you're offending me a bit there. I was prematurely balding for many years. (Now I'm maturely balding.) So do me a favor and watch your mouth.

Next, any sensible person can agree he acted like a cad and a jerk, and probably is one to the core. But you seem to feel that what gives you the right to object is the fact that he's prematurely balding.

Or more bluntly: If you were uglier than him, then humiliating you for aspiring to such an uneven match would be OK — you'd deserve it.

The rule, in a nutshell, is: Don't overreach.

And if you felt that somebody, by approaching you, was in breach of that rule — say, some guy who fell short of a full mop of hair — then you'd be more than justified in....

Do you see where I'm going with this, Offended?

I believe it was Pogo who said: We have met the enemy and he is us. I want you to think about that.

As to how to handle the situation: Ellie recommends that you lie to yourself and to others. Even if such falseness scores a couple of short-term points, you'll hate yourself in the morning.

"This guy has actually flattered you by showing how excited he is to have been noticed by a hottie: he's bragging!" Maybe Ellie is nuts and actually believes this. But I don't think so. I think she's urging you to delude yourself. Her recipe for handling the situation is to hypnotize yourself with an obviously fake version of events in order to bolster your "self-esteem."

See, this kind of thing is exactly why so many people have a generalized aversion to the plain truth.

Use that life strategy, Offended, and you'll be a shallow, contemptible person.

With the tongues still wagging at your office (I guess something this dramatic doesn't happen very often), Ellie also advises that you put on a phony show of amused indifference, although the truth, like you said, is that you were "humiliated."

I say: Summon your courage, show some integrity, invite admiration instead of contempt. Perhaps you'll inspire someone. Respond to inquiries with: "I'm disappointed this thing has been broadcast, but yes, I thought I might like him and I gave him a call — once — to invite him for coffee."

To that you can append either of the following, depending on your audience: A) "So slay me." B) "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

Continued: #7: Great Books; Reforming the World.