Alito Angst

Dear Uriel,

God I'm fed up. Fed up with the namby-pamby platitudes, the soporific sops, the sententious clichés I see and hear everywhere — and that I've got to clutch my heart and chant myself whenever a new dope with a microphone or pencil shows up with more dumb questions.

What a heap of hogwash we're all swimming in! Where do all the self-righteous ninnies think we'd be if we really had their precious rule by the people? The people! Christ. Uriel, you said you don't see "evidence" of intellectual activity. Did you think it's going on covertly, under the bedsheets? The "people" can't tie their damn shoelaces. Think for a minute what kind of flakes we'd have coming out of the woodwork to get elected if we really did have popular rule.

So Pinter's upset about his tapestry of lies? He's a theatre guy, and he doesn't know that that's what the audience is bellowing for? Don't make me laugh. Stick to make-believe, pal. Don't start thinking a Nobel means you know shit about running a country.

Today, a genius at the New York Times makes the shocking discovery that I'm short of passion for the "principle that is now a cornerstone of American democracy: one person one vote." Looking into my heart, he sees an "elitist." He detects "a strong strand of antidemocratic thinking among far-right lawyers."

Yeah, buddy. And that's why you've got a job scribbling, instead of shovelling coal or planting oats. And using that shovel to whack marauders when they come invading your homestead.

Uriel, sometimes the crap, the nonsense, the hypocrisy is too much. I saw your advice to Offended. You make good sense. How about me? Can you advise how I can handle the situation, til my confirmation to the Supreme Court is finally done?

—Samuel A. Alito Jr.

Man, this is where it's happening! The advice business is hopping. What was I thinking all that time I was doing the punditry thing?

People need personal guidance, for god's sake. They don't need to be told the world is screwed up.

And there's a tremendous supply shortage in the market. Ellie does her bit — syndication in 31 newspapers, a radio show, television appearances, an upcoming relationship book (An Ellie Column a Day Keeps the Woes Away) — but she's perhaps a bit populist, a bit Andrew Lloyd Webber. Folks like Sam need someone like me. Judicious. And discreet. (Sorry, my reply to Sam is for his eyes only.)

Note: Mr. Wittenberg officially inaugurated his personal advice consultancy yesterday, with his Deceit Culture 6.